she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
