i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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