we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
