You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
