Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Randomize
