We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
