I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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