im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
