i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
