Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
