she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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