my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
