She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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