You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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