y did u give ur computer a hand job?
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
