wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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