So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
