May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
