I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
