Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
