I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
