They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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