I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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