I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I currently don't understand fingers.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
