the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
