I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
