he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
