my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
