Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Randomize
