I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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