Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
