they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
