When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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