Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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