he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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