My Higher Power is John Stamos
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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