So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
