I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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