I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
