Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
