why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
