i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
