Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
