did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
