So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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