Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
