Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
