I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
