I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
