I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
false alarm, still single
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
