Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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