Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
