Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
